Tuesday, October 28, 2014

THE CRUELTIES OF TIME

 Death never makes for a good day. I angrily thought to myself, time, has got to be the most selfish thing God ever created.
 
She was such a jewel to those she loved, and to lose her was a price far too expensive for one heart to pay. I quietly maintained my composure; it was quite possibly all I had left. I flushed my ego down the toilet and lifted the drain on the tub, that was full of my expectations from family and friends. This was never about me. She quietly slipped away while her mother, saturated in pain and strength, loved on her child as only a mother could. I couldn’t help but notice how the clocks kept ticking. The audacity to keep going while a mother’s entire being has now paused…some would even say, stopped. Employees still had to work. Dinner, still had to be served, and breath was still roaming in the land of the living. Time, too consistent to slow down, too predictable to kneel down and ask were they okay.  Time, so selfish, that it kept going…and going. I heard laughter and footsteps, phones ringing…buttons pushed..intercoms active…making muzzled announcements that could do no good to any of them. The children would still need to be in bed by nine, for school was not cancelled; though a Mother’s heartbeat had been postponed. The bills would still need to be paid by the end of the business day, for pain and heartache were not eligible criteria for deferment. Life and time, so caught up in existing for themselves, kept going. Tuesday would still come…the next hour..would still come..the next holiday and even the next year, would still come. Time, so inconsiderate… Time, so self-absorbed…Time, so unaware of the pain and piercing of a Mother’s tears or a sister’s plea, yet too busy moving to even notice.
 
 I wondered, if we knew how long we had..would we hurry up and forgive..hurry up and love…hurry up and live. We are so ignorant in our comfort zones, tediously planning life as though we are in control;  Assuming tomorrow has already been shipped and is now on the doorstep awaiting us to open it.  Careless and na├»ve, planning weddings and vacations, never ever..not even for a second…thinking that life and time will plan otherwise.
 
 I wonder would we eat at the table with our families, or would we continue eating individually while simultaneously updating our facebook status. I wonder would we pray and  become entangled  with our Creator, or would we assume that “He knows our heart” and be content with that. I wonder would we teach our children morals, instead of how to dance the latest urban moves, while we record and upload;  secretly hoping it goes viral, so that we can quit the job we hate, because we were so busy living, that we forgot about life, so we never realized what we were good at..only what we looked good doing.  I wondered how many friends Time had..because clearly he was on none of our sides.  Unbeknownst to us, our days are numbered…what will you do with the remainder of your days?
Thrive in the freedoms of life. The freedom to laugh…to say “hello”..to pray…to forgive….and to love…really really hard.  Use this time wisely, for we know that it is borrowed. And though we are unsure of when the loan is due, the guaranteed fact is, it will be due... sooner or later. Never get comfortable with time..or life…I have learned they can be your best friend, and under the right circumstances, will become the worst enemy you have ever had.
Ejspeaks
 
 
 
 
  

Saturday, October 25, 2014

IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL

       It is the calming in the midst of the storm. When things are running amuck, and night is falling so fast that you've forgotten about the sun. I am a firm believer that when it rains, it pours. You wreck your car on Monday, lose your job on Tuesday, and by Wednesday you have a cough that sends your family under a sheet of panic---because clearly, YOU HAVE EBOLA! The dog won't stop barking, the kids won't stop fighting, all while you struggle to find your house keys, that are so patiently waiting in your bra. The house phone is ringing, because you butt-dialed with your cell phone, and the neighbor is knocking on the door, to ask you if you know that your car is dented on the driver's side!!!!!! What a week huh? Frustration and Pain are two of the fairest emotions of all. They don't discriminate against gender, religion, culture or creed. They give freely; to all of us.
It is in times like these, where quiet places and still peace is so very vital to your balance....even in your storm.
Oftentimes, when people speak of pain..and trial & tribulations... the story line is quite familiar. The beginning is awful, and the ending is victorious.  You can often hear some people say "what the devil meant for bad, God meant for my good!". This of course, is not pertaining to a bad hair day...those never work out for your good..unless a generous old lady sees your hair and perceives you to be homeless, and gives you a bag of clothing..in which you find an awesome vintage clutch:), because hey, you can never go wrong with a vintage clutch.



     The middle, after you've accepted that this thing has happened, but before you've realized a solution to fix it. The middle, when your vision can be so easily blurred by what you see, and you are too broken and logical to focus on what you don't see. Try and find a place of peace..or a small gesture that will provoke calming and soothing reactions. In the middle of all of the hell you may be facing.. regardless of what it may be... You must find that thing. Play your favorite song.. even though you don't know all the words. Read your favorite scripture.. even though you don't understandeth why they putteth an 'eth' on everything. Watch Scandal On Demand (Can you believe I've never watched a single episode?), rearrange your furniture, even though you have strategically placed the loveseat to the extreme right side of the wall, because there's a disrespectful hole in the wall. Try exercise...or even create a secret place. I didn't create it, but my secret place is the mall..or practically anywhere that sells women's shoes..AND chocolate covered almonds.  Sometimes, I play old school R&B..it reminds me of my childhood, when I was so unaware of life. I sing really really loud and off key, and though I sound like a drunken hyena that just lost a foot to Mufasa..it always makes me laugh. 

One thing that life guarantees is hardship. And though we are not equipped with instruction manuals, we don't have to be overtaken by the things that hurt..or get us off track sometimes.

 Make time to be still, and make room for peace..even when you feel that your current situation has exceeded your capacity to endure. It's not what happens to you that matters.. its how you deal with it. So scream...kick..cry....and even take off running naked. Do what you need to do. But don't forget to grab your peace in the middle. Your situation can ALWAYS get worse. Trust me.

Ejspeaks




Tuesday, October 7, 2014

THE WEIGHT OF IT ALL...

 
 
                   Every time I think of giving up...every time I want to let go, because its becoming too much, I always remind myself "Hey you! Yes, you! You're no quitter!" And THAT is why I keep eating. I have, over the years, developed a line of communication with food. Its speaks to me, and in return-I speak back (To ignore the food, would be rude!). In the past, I've gained quite a bit of weight. Rather than wrestle with denial, or shop for clothes too small as a method of motivation, I buy clothes that fit...like normal people. Ultimately, what I have realized about my weight is this
____(insert something deep here)____ .  For me, its nothing deep, unless it's deep fried. I am taking small steps to lose small ounces of fat, but refuse to kill my confidence just because I wear a girdle....to bed.







I remember giving an old acquaintance a compliment on her weight loss. She had been struggling with her weight for awhile, and eventually loss weight due to stress. She was in the middle of a messy divorce (Hopefully, I never lose weight because of that). She didn't look prettier, she didn't look wealthier...as a matter of fact she looked as though life had gladly given a urine sample on her. Her clothes were worn out, her shoes resembled a Floyd Mayweather opponent, and her hair and skin were a bit rugged. There was nothing noticeable about her, OTHER than her weight, which is why I jumped to compliment her. Compliments and gestures and oftentimes free of charge, and I usually keep a pocket full..so..why not? I simply stated "Wow, you look good! You've lost so much weight!". Never considering the fact that she wouldn't be humble, I was completely thrown aback when she responded "Yea, and you found it all", as if implying that every calorie she burned, I salvaged them and ignorantly meshed them to my thighs, to give them that 'knot' appeal.  She had only been this size for 10 minutes, yet she received my sincere compliment as though she had been a dietician for 8 years, 4 months and 2 days!  I was so perplexed at how she spoke to me!  As if I had gone door to door like a trick-or-treating child, looking for fat to put in my pumpkin.  Before I could respond and verbally assault her, as I yearned to do. I simply reflected on her Fila sneakers that really weren't sneakers anymore..more like outspoken feet holders... the way they flapped open when she walked. I reflected on her blouse, that wasn't really a halter top, but because she had such a huge ventilating hole in the back..one could easily mistake the two. Before you guys get mushy on me, this is not a soft post where I learn to bite my tongue, because I've been bullied by the less fortunate. In my head, I agreed with her. I was fat- fatter than her sneaker tab...obviously fatter than her retail budget... and CLEARLY fatter than her humility. I simply replied "Yes, I have put on some weight". I returned to my 4 door sedan, and bid her farewell, while she stood waiting on the Greyhound Bus, ticket in tow. I took an immediate right, and pulled right up to the nearest drive-thru, and ordered the usual- A #3 Combo, with cheese, Biggie sized..with a diet coke.


You have to learn what dignifies a response, more less, an emotion. Not all comments, words or actions deserve a parallel jab.  I could've easily been confrontational.. or even offended, but what point would it serve? Sometimes, the best response is to live your life out loud, without ever saying a word. I do not possess riches, nor foreign assets, but my character is rich and humble. And I will never starve myself trying to be accepted by a vagabond, nor a CEO; besides, it's too close to Thanksgiving for THAT type of foolishness.

Ejspeaks

FAT GIRLS BE LIKE.......
 
 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

NUDITY

LET'S GET NAKED!!!

 
 
 
I think many of us try to overshadow the past with our present. There are quite a few things that I would personally like to forget ever happened....like that time I worked in the Freezer Department at---well, never mind. And there was this one time I created AND colored a NIKE sign on what was clearly a generic canvas style shoe. You couldn't tell it wasn't the real thing, unless you stood really close. I don't know what made me think I could fool my high school peers with a penciled NIKE sign..no fabric, no texture--JUST INK. Of course it took them no time at all to realize that my shoes were fraudulent; they immediately renamed my sneakers, MIKIE's. Can you imagine how embarrassed I was to sit at school for the remainder of the day while kids so boldly asked "Vette, where'd you get those MIKIE's?" all while discombobulating with laughter? Uncomfortable to live it, but funny to reflect upon it. My point is this: None of us have been so fortunate to have never made a mistake... made a horrible decision, or even made a fool of ourselves. That is the equality of life; none of us are exempt from those moments.  I have been in horrible relationships, as well as  played my part in ruining relationships. I have dealt with low self-esteem and depression. Here's the good part: because I am free from my past and am not a prisoner to secrets, I can comfortably open a window to my old hurt and even stupidity, when the time comes to help someone else. I can tell a young lady not to deal with a married man, because I have, and can easily tell you how it will probably end. I can tell a young lady, to train her eyes to see beauty when she sees her reflection in the mirror, because I too, had to train myself. I can tell that same young lady, that there is life, AFTER rape, because I am living it. Once you are free from a thing, you will hear the sound of freedom in the words you speak, even in the tone you use. I can speak of my flaws, ONLY because I've accepted them. I used to cry because I thought my feet looked like a science experiment gone wrong. Now, don't get me wrong, my feet still look like they belong on Gargamel, but I refuse to wear boots to a picnic, or socks with opened-toe shoes out of fear of what others may think. MY TOES NEED TO BREATHE TOO!  I refuse to be hemmed up in fear, trying to live up to the expectation of others. I refuse to fabricate my life and my journey, in efforts to appear perfect. I am naked and flawed. I am unashamed of anything that I have experienced. And I refuse to obstruct my bowels, because so many others have freedom tied up in my belly, yet I say nothing. I dare not play a part in the death of so many, because I am more concerned with looking perfect, than living real. I will gladly show you what imperfect is, what broken looks like after pieces have been glued back together, because I'm okay with me.
 
Sincerely, Naked
 

Thursday, October 2, 2014

"Hi, can you tell me where I can find Destiny?"





I sometimes wonder if I've lost track of the trail leading to destiny, or if destiny is somewhere on a drug addicted binge, roaming amuck in search of it's next hit while I guess it's location. Why can't I find destiny? The consistent confusion drapes me and suffocates my hopes of becoming something, somebody. But for whatever reason, my foolish faith and my hunger to succeed, won't let me stop searching. Though I lost my GPS several moons ago, and have received erroneous direction from those already settled into their seemingly small contentment, I still keep going. I honestly can't see the benefit in stagnancy. If I stop now, I will always wonder what the outcome would have been. What's the excitement in wondering? I challenge you to keep going, even when the pavement becomes nothing more than gravel and rocks. I challenge you to keep walking, even when your feet are treading the unknown and the ground has proven uneven. Keep walking, surely destiny is searching for you as well. And once you two meet, my oh my, what a collision.
Travel the road
And travail the journey.
And though confusion has caused you to withdraw and isolate yourself, cut your ringer back on...I would hate for you to miss the call of Destiny.