Wednesday, February 18, 2015


Have you ever found yourself going in circles with your Ex?  You break up JUST to make up, and then turn around and make up again. You go through the repetitious trouble of packing ALL of your things, just to UNPACK them two days later. You want to leave, but don’t know how to leave, or more accurately, you don’t know how to stay gone. Here’s what you should do:

·         Keep a Record. Basically, become petty. Keep an active log of everything this person has done to you, whether in the past or the present. This would include cheating, abuse, and farting in front of company. Write everything down! Remember when he was late picking you up from work- IN YOUR CAR- write it down! What about the time you checked his phone and saw the peenpic (no need to use imagination, you know exactly what a peenpic is) that he sent to his “Aunt Judy”, which really wasn’t his Aunt Judy, but more like Big Booty Judy from the other side of town. Remember? WRITE IT DOWN! The time he called you fat, or pointed out your stretch marks, the time you found earrings in his back seat, that couldn’t have possibly been yours, because you’re allergic to silver and these weren’t even sterling silver, oh no, these were practically made from foil. WRITE IT DOWN!  Remember the time you caught an std? And by “caught” I mean, he GAVE it to you-WRITE IT DOWN! You are not writing it down to throw in his face, you are writing it down to throw in your own face!  You keep going back, whether for convenience or love. Truth is, if you reflect on your list you’ll realize why you left, and perhaps you’ll realize why you can’t go back. Oh you’re lonely? Horny? Grab the list!

·         Get Back To You. Who are you, if you’re not his girlfriend? So many times, we get in relationships, and instantly mesh ourselves with this person. So much so, that we forget our sense of individuality. You stopped eating potatoes, because he doesn’t like potatoes. You stop drinking milk, because when he was younger, his family couldn’t afford milk, only sugar by the time they finally could afford milk, he hated it…too accustomed to the sugar water. So guess what? You now have an absurd amount of dental decay because you too use sugar water INSTEAD OF MILK. You hang out in his circles, you listen to his favorite music; basically becoming a version of him. SO when the relationship is over, you are completely lost. Find yourself, get back to the person you were before this relationship stole you.  Take some time and remember who you were. You are still your own person, make it sure it stays that way.

·         Be Honest. I’m not sure why, but we always try to save face. We never want to admit when a relationship has failed. Either way, be honest, especially with yourself. If you’re in an abusive relationship, be honest about that. Now, that’s not to say you should post it on social media, but you should definitely be honest with your close circle of loved ones. This is beneficial in many ways. Here’s an example: He punches you, and swells your eye. You tell your beloved sister, you both have a verbal fit and you move on…here’s where it gets beneficial. You’ve moved on from the raccoon eye episode and are thinking of going back. Well, when you tell this beloved sister your plans, and she responds with “Sooooo, you still insist on getting these exclusive eye treatments?” or “Hey! When he swells your eye this time, do you think I can hide all my assets in them? The IRS is getting too nosey?”, I’m sure you’ll reconsider your intentions.

·         Stop having SEX!!!! Regardless of how enjoyable sex may be, it cannot be the foundation of a relationship.  Having sex with someone YOU KNOW is not good for you, only clouds your judgment and delays the process of moving on. Even if it’s the best you’ve ever had, having sex with him, won’t change anything…except your hair…depending on where the sex takes place. And under no circumstance can penis take the place of respect, income or love, nor can it take the swelling off of an abused rib. STOP HAVING SEX! If you can keep him out of your body, then you can keep him out of your mind. Now, getting him out of your heart may take a little longer, but the first two are definitely vital AND necessary in moving on.

·         RUN!! If all else fails, RUN! Run when you see him. Run when you see his brother at the gas station. Run when you see his sister at the red light (Please be advised that author is not responsible for any vehicular accident or damage, when you run said light). Run when they play “your song” in the club, even if it means you scuff up those JUSTFAB heels, just run! Run to church!! Run to the altar (if your body is made like Big Booty Judy, just walk to the altar…no need to disrupt service)!  JUST RUN!!! Out of sight, out of mind. If you don’t see him, or anything that reminds you of him, then the days will get easier.


·         HONORABLE MENTIONS (drastic times, call for drastic measures)
*      Sleep with his Uncle> the one with the deformed leg. He’ll never want you again

*      Become a NUN. Don’t give NUN, Don’t kiss NUN>> NUN

*      Change your phone number

*      Change your Facebook name to Catherine McFeezlederry, and then block him!

*      Leave town! For some, it’s that serious. Oh, and don’t forget to pack The List!

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