·
Keep a
Record. Basically, become petty. Keep an active log of everything
this person has done to you, whether in the past or the present. This would
include cheating, abuse, and farting in front of company. Write everything
down! Remember when he was late picking you up from work- IN YOUR CAR- write it
down! What about the time you checked his phone and saw the peenpic (no need to
use imagination, you know exactly what a peenpic is) that he sent to his “Aunt
Judy”, which really wasn’t his Aunt Judy, but more like Big Booty Judy from the
other side of town. Remember? WRITE IT DOWN! The time he called you fat, or
pointed out your stretch marks, the time you found earrings in his back seat,
that couldn’t have possibly been yours, because you’re allergic to silver and
these weren’t even sterling silver, oh no, these were practically made from
foil. WRITE IT DOWN! Remember the time
you caught an std? And by “caught” I mean, he GAVE it to you-WRITE IT DOWN! You
are not writing it down to throw in his face, you are writing it down to throw
in your own face! You keep going back,
whether for convenience or love. Truth is, if you reflect on your list you’ll
realize why you left, and perhaps you’ll realize why you can’t go back. Oh you’re
lonely? Horny? Grab the list!
·
Get Back To
You. Who are you, if you’re not his girlfriend? So many times, we
get in relationships, and instantly mesh ourselves with this person. So much
so, that we forget our sense of individuality. You stopped eating potatoes,
because he doesn’t like potatoes. You stop drinking milk, because when he was
younger, his family couldn’t afford milk, only sugar water..so by the time they
finally could afford milk, he hated it…too accustomed to the sugar water. So
guess what? You now have an absurd amount of dental decay because you too use
sugar water INSTEAD OF MILK. You hang out in his circles, you listen to his
favorite music; basically becoming a version of him. SO when the relationship
is over, you are completely lost. Find yourself, get back to the person you
were before this relationship stole you.
Take some time and remember who you were. You are still your own person,
make it sure it stays that way.
·
Be Honest. I’m
not sure why, but we always try to save face. We never want to admit when a
relationship has failed. Either way, be honest, especially with yourself. If
you’re in an abusive relationship, be honest about that. Now, that’s not to say
you should post it on social media, but you should definitely be honest with
your close circle of loved ones. This is beneficial in many ways. Here’s an
example: He punches you, and swells your eye. You tell your beloved sister, you
both have a verbal fit and you move on…here’s where it gets beneficial. You’ve
moved on from the raccoon eye episode and are thinking of going back. Well,
when you tell this beloved sister your plans, and she responds with “Sooooo,
you still insist on getting these exclusive eye treatments?” or “Hey! When he
swells your eye this time, do you think I can hide all my assets in them? The
IRS is getting too nosey?”, I’m sure you’ll reconsider your intentions.
·
Stop having
SEX!!!! Regardless of how enjoyable sex may be, it cannot
be the foundation of a relationship.
Having sex with someone YOU KNOW is not good for you, only clouds your judgment
and delays the process of moving on. Even if it’s the best you’ve ever had,
having sex with him, won’t change anything…except your hair…depending on where
the sex takes place. And under no circumstance can penis take the place of respect, income or love, nor can it take the swelling off of an abused rib. STOP HAVING SEX! If you can keep him out of your body, then you can keep
him out of your mind. Now, getting him out of your heart may take a little
longer, but the first two are definitely vital AND necessary in moving on.
·
RUN!! If
all else fails, RUN! Run when you see him. Run when you see his brother at the
gas station. Run when you see his sister at the red light (Please be advised that
author is not responsible for any vehicular accident or damage, when you run
said light). Run when they play “your song” in the club, even if it means you scuff
up those JUSTFAB heels, just run! Run to church!! Run to the altar (if your
body is made like Big Booty Judy, just walk to the altar…no need to disrupt
service)! JUST RUN!!! Out of sight, out
of mind. If you don’t see him, or anything that reminds you of him, then the
days will get easier.
·
HONORABLE
MENTIONS (drastic times, call for drastic measures)
Sleep with his Uncle> the one with the
deformed leg. He’ll never want you again
Become a NUN. Don’t give NUN, Don’t kiss
NUN>> NUN
Change your phone number
Change your Facebook name to Catherine McFeezlederry,
and then block him!
Leave town! For some, it’s that serious. Oh, and
don’t forget to pack The List!
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