The best "NO" in the world

           

              Have you ever been minding your own business… stuck in traffic and noticed your ex? Maybe he was driving his current girlfriend’s car, just like he used to drive yours. Maybe he was still sagging, just like he was when you were attracted to that type of thing. Maybe he was still wasting time, just like he was when you were with him. It was then, that you realized just how thankful you were for the “NO”. You see, this was the same relationship you wanted so badly to work. This was the same man you went to God about. “God make him _______, God make us ______”. You even became angry when God did not grant it. This is the same guy you tolerated so much from…possibly because you had a child together… maybe even because he came from a good family, and you didn’t…so you valued that. Maybe it was because he was ‘in the church’… or he was a great athlete in school, even though those days had long passed. The point is, he wasn’t for you, and you’ve never realized it more, than you do now.  Looking at his current girlfriend, displaying an eerie smile. Easily recognized, because you too, had the same face. Her belly swollen, with a human bullet that barely missed your womb, and not because you were so careful either; you tried to get shot. But the gun, to your future…jammed. You begin to imagine all of the things that you would have endured by now…all of the immobile circumstances of being in a relationship, but not being in love…being attached to someone, but not connected to someone, or living together in a house, but never able to make it a home. You take deep breaths of relief thinking how it could have been you..with a swollen belly and a swollen eye.. living in a run-down home, with an even more run-down heart. Now you understand the “No” and realize that rejection has never felt better.

This relief doesn’t come from the fact that you’ve found a better man..or that you’re dating in hopes of finding true love. This relief comes from the simple fact that you are now OUT, of what you were so deeply IN. How’s it feel to be out? Never mind that the light has turned green and four cars are honking their horns and spitting verbal venom at you for holding up traffic. Never mind that you’re now passed the seven minute grace period for being on time at work. Yes, you are slowing down traffic. Yes, you are late for work, but you are right on time for peace and emotional freedom. You almost feel sorry for his girlfriend, but not enough to intervene.

You’ve got living do..and that’s exactly what you’re doing.

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!

I find it odd how we can so easily point out the flaws of others, as though we do not realize our own, bursting from the seams of retail curtains and name brand window treatments. Our secrets..dripping from our pockets, our addictions..dangling like earrings…or vices ..caught up in our zippers. Issues…bold and busy, yet we so often take time away from our defects to laugh…and point out the visible flaws of others. How so? Why? What is the point?

I noticed a young lady at the bus stop. I could tell she had confidence, but couldn’t understand why. She was overweight. Her hair wasn’t perfect, her nails were chipped, and she was missing a button from her blouse…she tried to hide it..like we all do at times.. you use a safety pin on the inside of the shirt. If you’re observant enough..you can easily find the silver of the safety pin running through the loops. My friends and I gave each other “the Look”…you know..the one that says everything with the eyes and nothing with the lips. A few of us giggled and eyed her shoes….they were so ‘last season’. The mere fact that she paired those hideous shoes with a refurbished blouse…her entire outfit was completely laughable!!!! One of my friends swelled her jaws to mimic the girl’s weight. I giggled quietly, so as not to make her aware that we were bullying her; and stripping her to shreds with our eyes and snickering whispers.  I was so tickled with my friends and the outfit! I put my head down to hide my laughing and that’s when I looked at my feet. My shoes…these were my sister’s shoes that she gave me out of pity. She was so tired of seeing me in the same shoes every single day, regardless of the outfit. My sister knew I was having money troubles and rather than charge me for the second hand items, she just gave them to me. My giggles eased up. I kind of tucked my head in my coat- another slice of reality. A lady invited me to church and afterwards, there was a peacoat lying on the back pew. She picked it up and said “here’s your coat..you’re gonna need it for that wind”. The cold draft just wouldn’t let me be honest. It wasn’t mine… In fact, I didn’t even own one at the time. I fell behind on my rent at my apartment and couldn’t even afford a moving van..so I left everything-including my coat.  I accepted the coat..and though it was the perfect fit…it was ill-obtained. My laughing stopped altogether.

My friends, still tickled by the laughter, seemed so ignorant now. How dare I laugh at anyone?! I had just moved back home with my mother, because of a failed relationship.  I had two kids whom I’d never even taken to a waterpark! I’ve never been to a casino or a concert! What was so funny to me!!?? As a matter fact WE ALL WERE STANDING AT THE BUS STOP, we didn’t even have cars!!!!! I sat down on the bench, covered in conviction. Thinking. What was so funny to any of us? The answer is simple: NOTHING. Nothing at all.

*author's note: This is not a personal experience,  nevertheless,  it is something to think about*

Ejspeaks

5 HOLIDAY GIFT NIGHTMARES

1.     Name Picking

Name Picking eliminates the overwhelming task of buying everyone a gift..and ultimately gifting fabulously frugal assortments from The Dollar Tree. Because,  truth is, there’s just not enough time and money nor clearance racks to give everyone a holiday sweater. With Name Picking, everyone’s name is placed in a jar, shoe box or your grandmother’s purse -aka bra. From there, everyone draws one name for whom to buy a gift. Here’s where it gets scary. Every family has an 'Aunt Gina'. Aunt Gina is sweet as ice.. and as thoughtful as a marble. Aunt Gina is the Aunt who, while other siblings commit to bring collard greens, dressing and casseroles, will volunteer to bring straws to the Family dinner, And every year she gifts her pick with socks…or lighters…so she most definitely is NOT the person you want to pull your name!

2.   Buying for Royalty

Kids make Christmas Lists, and spouses make it painfully obvious what they like. But what about your mother..who has every painting..every perfume…a closet full of dusty suits and price tags because there isn’t enough time or places to go…to really wear all of those clothes. She has tablets, desktops, ice cream makers, fancy rugs, jewelry, SHE HAS EVERYTHING!! People like this make Christmas shopping such a burden..which is exactly why you get them GAS CARDS!!!!!!! You can deal with the argument as to why you gifted a gas card, after the dressing is served.

3.   Wrong Dates

Have you ever went to wal-mart or Kmart..or any other retail store that was still operating out of the Layaway Spirit, and decided to get one? These methods are great IF you remember the allotted time for such plans. Your layaway has to be picked up by the 13^th, but because you don’t get paid until the 15th, you assume that all is still well. Until you arrive in the back to make that last payment and they tell you with a straight face, that your layaway expired two days prior and all of your merchandise has been escorted BACK TO ITS DESIGNATED AREA!! You look so confused..like when you were watching the Aaliyah Bipoic. “How could this be?” you wonder. You even pull out your calendar to show the cashier the dates you voluntarily decided to remember, rather than the correct date on the initial receipt. If that wasn’t enough, you’re only issued %60 of your refund for not making the proper timely payment....which is now being used for your bail money.. since you attacked the manager.

 

4.   BUSTED DOING A REGIFT

We all receive those gifts that aren’t really deemed as gifts..you know like lotion..fingernail file kit..gloves (for which there is no matching scarf or coat), or a set of hangers. The problem is this..we try and RE-GIFT these cheap finds, assuming the victim will never know. But what happens when you give your sister the lilac lotion/bodywash set that she gave you two years ago? Not only did you hide this basket as soon as you received it, but it’s been there so long, you forgot where it came from...Inevitably, you give it right back to the person who gave it to you..AND THEY CALL YOU OUT ON IT! So now, not only do you get busted for re-gifting, 

but now you can't get rid of the God Forbidden Lilac Lotion!! Amen.

 

 

5.   BLACK FRIDAY TRAUMA

I have never made it my business to shop during Black Friday, but there are some people who drink just enough Red Bull to endure such a thing. People kick, they scream, they fight, they shoot. They bring their money to the stores and leave their manners at home…and for the most part, they leave their toothbrushes…as if the sales are just TOO GOOD FOR HYGIENE (the devil. He is sleuth footed being. He is a liar-your brush those choppers and soak those morning soup coolers in paste-TOOTHPASTE). Shopping on Black Friday is arguably the best shopping day of the year. Here’s the problem. You go in for the newest digital camera to gift your sister. You shove an old lady in a wheelchair, trip a child, and even strategically place a bike in the middle of the aisle to delay other shoppers. You get the camera!!! You make it home to wrap it, and you notice a black eye on your face with a few bruises on your forehead. You were so caught up in getting the camera, you didn’t realized that you were injured. You look at the camera..then back at your bruised reflection, and conclude “There is no way in The Dallas Cowboy Stadium that I am giving this to anybody-I EARNED THIS!” So, no camera for your sister.. BUT you did notice a sign on the way home for a Church Give-Away..

mission accomplished!

 

 

 Happy Holidays Guys!!!!

DO YOU, AND LET OTHERS DO THE SAME

                I think the worst part about pleasing people, is that we actually try to do it.  We actually believe that the most peaceful way to do things is to crop out how we feel, edit what we say, and filter our character.  I, myself, am not one for confrontation (as long as you don’t as my roommate from college). I wish we all could be so tied up with our own affairs, that we have no room to become tangled in the affairs of others. People feel so entitled to their opinions and beliefs that they attack you when your opinions and beliefs are not parallel to their own. I don’t like people to give input on things, for which they have no knowledge. I never see the purpose in doing so… For instance:

Lady who is outta her lane: “You really shouldn’t drink cokes, ya know”

Me: But If I didn’t drink my coke, I would have told you how hideous your hair was. I would have also mentioned that your track was similar to a woman who was in the third trimester of pregnancy-CLEARLY SHOWING! I would have also suggested you give Rent-A-Center your cell number, because they called while you were googling how harmful coke was, and wanted me to let you know if you wanted your furniture back, that you would have to pay the outstanding balance, for which you’ve not paid on in months. So…you see…I really should drink cokes. They provide such a peaceful work atmosphere.

Lady who is outta her lane: insert face of shock & shame, here.

Me: Continues to sip coke.

I used to care about what others thought of me..I struggle with it from time to time, even now. People judge me..they cast me to hell…call me fat…magnify my flaws.. But I had to learn one thing: Many people will critique you, but none of them can create you.  I am… who and what I am.  I make it my business to violently shoot bullets of laughter through a dry and unhappy neighborhood of people who are depressed and weighed down by the realities of life. I couldn’t change who I am, even if I tried. But the fact that people deem it necessary to share their thoughts about me..TO ME..as though I were a contestant on American Idol, while they sit next to Simon Cowell.  As if I requested their input..or even asked “hey, you, yes you>> person who will not get me closer to destiny.. person who doesn’t pay my bills…person who doesn’t pass gas, when I eat refried beans, yes you!! Can you please tell me what you think of me? Tell me what you don’t like.. so I can fix it.. even though it took me years to discover and accept myself.. please tell me how you don’t like my jokes.. or the way I wear my hair.. I need you to not like stuff about me!!!”

I have learned to love everything about me. I have learned to accept constructive criticism. And I have learned to ignore those who try and tell me..HOW TO BE ME!!! I can’t change my love for tomatoes or acoustic soul…I can’t change my sense of humor or my shoe size, and I feel bad for people who are still struggling to change JUST TO please everyone else. Stand firm on who you are and believe in every single aspect of yourself, because no one can beat YOU, being YOU. A few years ago, I would have been crushed by anything that someone said about me….so if you were looking to hurt or change me..you should have done it then.

Changing who I am, because of what someone says to me, is like taking a driver’s course from a pedestrian..its like accepting sex advice from a nun.. or asking for relationship advice from a person who’s not in a relationship. That just doesn't make any sense!

Final Thought: If what you are doing does not cause harm to others, then do you. If what others do, does not harm you, then let them do the same. It’s really that simple.

                                                                

                                                              *finishes coke*

http://instagram.com/p/vUC0kouLil/?modal=true

 

 

 

A Day I'll Never Forget

It was the moment I knew something was wrong.

 

Have you ever felt a pain in the pit of your stomach? It was the signal..the clue..to let you know that something was about to go wrong. You couldn’t put your finger on it just yet, but your discernment and physical responses were enough to confirm the worst. It was almost an unbearable pain.. my stomach was turning in the sloppiest circles, while my mind was trying to reflect on what had just happened to me. I had been violated once before, but never to this extent. This type of pain..this type of fear..a shaking in my nerves, could only mean one thing.  I sat still trying to calm myself down. Jumping and erupting my physical being never helped in situations like these.  I was so upset. I felt deceived..and even betrayed. The very people I trusted had let me down. You try not to become impulsive and instantly react with anger, but of course, when their is money involved…you just know things won’t turn out well.  

  

I wished this situation could have been avoided. After all, I followed all of the proper steps; I followed all of the rules. It was inevitable-->I was going to have to deal with this situation. There was no way could I just sit there and endure the pain of bodily earthquakes and shattered expectations. I slowly stood up. I took one step at a time, trying to secrete my tears...I headed straight towards the bathroom.

 

The smell to follow told exactly what happened. My nostrils began to sweat from the dreadful smell and I immediately became furious. I was very specific WITH MY ORDER when I plainly stated: “May I please have a #2 with cheese, no onions, no mustard?”  I PAID $7.87 FOR THAT COMBO MEAL!!!! I HATE MUSTARD!!!!

 

              How dare she treat me as though I was a homeless woman in line at the local Soup Kitchen, that should just be grateful that there was any soup left?!For the young lady to just distribute and bless my burger bun with it, speaks volumes of how people will hurt you!  I trusted her and she played on my emotions. And although it was a difficult decision to make, That was the last day I ate at "Sandwich Prince" (names have been altered to protect the innocent).

 

                     I hope and pray you guys never run into the Mustard Mayhem Missionary:))

                         The weekend is almost here guys, make sure you enjoy it!!!!

THE SINKING relationSHIP

                         I have often wondered why some people stay in sinking relationSHIPS for so long, knowing that it will only take them under waters for which they've never been able to swim. Why does it take so long to realize that pain has arrived, with several of her bags, and no intention of leaving soon? How do you walk away from love?

 

Scientists & Doctors alike, would easily tell you "it's quite simple, place one foot in front of the other and WALK!!!!!!!!!!!!" But it's not your legs that keep you in relationships...its your heart; too bad your heart doesn't have feet, huh?

 

I was involved in a dead relationship that took me forever to even smell my own emotions dying. You never smell death on yourself, especially when you've been dead for so long. I stayed through a lot of pain and hurt.  I stayed out of fear. I was afraid no one would want me. I was afraid to make it on my own. I was afraid to love again. I had endured such emotional and verbal abuse, that the words and hurtful phrases had attached themselves to my skin; also contributing to that smell...that God awful smell. Leaving took a lot of time. Your circumstances can sometimes reshape your thinking. I didn't have a car or a job, so I assumed there was no hope for me (insert crazy face that is literally cursing my younger self out for staying as long as I did-- here)? I was literally IN bondage and OUT of love. Coming from a family of single  & lonely aunts, and mothers, and cousins, you somehow think that you have broken the curse of loneliness, even if you're STILL UNHAPPY. So with a grateful and naïve heart, you thank your captor for making you different....even if it is bondage.

I was disrespected- I stayed.

I was controlled- I stayed.

I was hurting-I stayed.

But when I ran out of tears..I ran out of reasons to care...and even ran out of reasons to stay-I left.

 

                 I would be a fool to tell anyone to just leave. I had to endure so much, to the point of becoming numb. I had been there so long, I didn't even know it was still hurting. We have all heard the saying, "even a dog gets tired (pronounce TIED to give it that 'weary effect')". I wasn't on all fours, I didn't have a coat of thick hair, nor did I bark for communication, but that day..I was truly a dog. The breed nor the origin is of relevance, just know that I was done. I have walked away from many things...jobs, friends, clubs, schools,etc..but when I walked away from bondage, though crippled in my stature..it was the best feeling in the world. I had walked away from what my twisted perception had fooled me into thinking was love. I garnered enough courage to leave a comfort zone that had stopped being comfortable years before. And truth is, I 'm glad I did.  After awhile, you realize that you can't change a person..you realize that the good has no space to come in, if the bad has taken your heart's capacity..you realize that, contrary to what you've been told, half a man, IS NOT BETTER than no man at all.  And no man at all, may be the most peaceful place you've been in a long time. And finally, you realize that if you don't get off of this sinking relationSHIP, then by the time the real thing comes along, you won't have anything left to give, because it will have sank...

on the ship.

Tread waters with caution

 

Ejspeaks 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



THE CRUELTIES OF TIME

 Death never makes for a good day. I angrily thought to myself, time, has got to be the most selfish thing God ever created.

 

She was such a jewel to those she loved, and to lose her was a price far too expensive for one heart to pay. I quietly maintained my composure; it was quite possibly all I had left. I flushed my ego down the toilet and lifted the drain on the tub, that was full of my expectations from family and friends. This was never about me. She quietly slipped away while her mother, saturated in pain and strength, loved on her child as only a mother could. I couldn’t help but notice how the clocks kept ticking. The audacity to keep going while a mother’s entire being has now paused…some would even say, stopped. Employees still had to work. Dinner, still had to be served, and breath was still roaming in the land of the living. Time, too consistent to slow down, too predictable to kneel down and ask were they okay.  Time, so selfish, that it kept going…and going. I heard laughter and footsteps, phones ringing…buttons pushed..intercoms active…making muzzled announcements that could do no good to any of them. The children would still need to be in bed by nine, for school was not cancelled; though a Mother’s heartbeat had been postponed. The bills would still need to be paid by the end of the business day, for pain and heartache were not eligible criteria for deferment. Life and time, so caught up in existing for themselves, kept going. Tuesday would still come…the next hour..would still come..the next holiday and even the next year, would still come. Time, so inconsiderate… Time, so self-absorbed…Time, so unaware of the pain and piercing of a Mother’s tears or a sister’s plea, yet too busy moving to even notice.

 

 I wondered, if we knew how long we had..would we hurry up and forgive..hurry up and love…hurry up and live. We are so ignorant in our comfort zones, tediously planning life as though we are in control;  Assuming tomorrow has already been shipped and is now on the doorstep awaiting us to open it.  Careless and naïve, planning weddings and vacations, never ever..not even for a second…thinking that life and time will plan otherwise.

 

 I wonder would we eat at the table with our families, or would we continue eating individually while simultaneously updating our facebook status. I wonder would we pray and  become entangled  with our Creator, or would we assume that “He knows our heart” and be content with that. I wonder would we teach our children morals, instead of how to dance the latest urban moves, while we record and upload;  secretly hoping it goes viral, so that we can quit the job we hate, because we were so busy living, that we forgot about life, so we never realized what we were good at..only what we looked good doing.  I wondered how many friends Time had..because clearly he was on none of our sides.  Unbeknownst to us, our days are numbered…what will you do with the remainder of your days?

Thrive in the freedoms of life. The freedom to laugh…to say “hello”..to pray…to forgive….and to love…really really hard.  Use this time wisely, for we know that it is borrowed. And though we are unsure of when the loan is due, the guaranteed fact is, it will be due... sooner or later. Never get comfortable with time..or life…I have learned they can be your best friend, and under the right circumstances, will become the worst enemy you have ever had.

Ejspeaks

 

 

 

 

  

IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL

       It is the calming in the midst of the storm. When things are running amuck, and night is falling so fast that you've forgotten about the sun. I am a firm believer that when it rains, it pours. You wreck your car on Monday, lose your job on Tuesday, and by Wednesday you have a cough that sends your family under a sheet of panic---because clearly, YOU HAVE EBOLA! The dog won't stop barking, the kids won't stop fighting, all while you struggle to find your house keys, that are so patiently waiting in your bra. The house phone is ringing, because you butt-dialed with your cell phone, and the neighbor is knocking on the door, to ask you if you know that your car is dented on the driver's side!!!!!! What a week huh? Frustration and Pain are two of the fairest emotions of all. They don't discriminate against gender, religion, culture or creed. They give freely; to all of us.
It is in times like these, where quiet places and still peace is so very vital to your balance....even in your storm.

Oftentimes, when people speak of pain..and trial & tribulations... the story line is quite familiar. The beginning is awful, and the ending is victorious.  You can often hear some people say "what the devil meant for bad, God meant for my good!". This of course, is not pertaining to a bad hair day...those never work out for your good..unless a generous old lady sees your hair and perceives you to be homeless, and gives you a bag of clothing..in which you find an awesome vintage clutch:), because hey, you can never go wrong with a vintage clutch.



     The middle, after you've accepted that this thing has happened, but before you've realized a solution to fix it. The middle, when your vision can be so easily blurred by what you see, and you are too broken and logical to focus on what you don't see. Try and find a place of peace..or a small gesture that will provoke calming and soothing reactions. In the middle of all of the hell you may be facing.. regardless of what it may be... You must find that thing. Play your favorite song.. even though you don't know all the words. Read your favorite scripture.. even though you don't understandeth why they putteth an 'eth' on everything. Watch Scandal On Demand (Can you believe I've never watched a single episode?), rearrange your furniture, even though you have strategically placed the loveseat to the extreme right side of the wall, because there's a disrespectful hole in the wall. Try exercise...or even create a secret place. I didn't create it, but my secret place is the mall..or practically anywhere that sells women's shoes..AND chocolate covered almonds.  Sometimes, I play old school R&B..it reminds me of my childhood, when I was so unaware of life. I sing really really loud and off key, and though I sound like a drunken hyena that just lost a foot to Mufasa..it always makes me laugh. 

One thing that life guarantees is hardship. And though we are not equipped with instruction manuals, we don't have to be overtaken by the things that hurt..or get us off track sometimes.

 Make time to be still, and make room for peace..even when you feel that your current situation has exceeded your capacity to endure. It's not what happens to you that matters.. its how you deal with it. So scream...kick..cry....and even take off running naked. Do what you need to do. But don't forget to grab your peace in the middle. Your situation can ALWAYS get worse. Trust me.

Ejspeaks

THE WEIGHT OF IT ALL...

 

 

                   Every time I think of giving up...every time I want to let go, because its becoming too much, I always remind myself "Hey you! Yes, you! You're no quitter!" And THAT is why I keep eating. I have, over the years, developed a line of communication with food. Its speaks to me, and in return-I speak back (To ignore the food, would be rude!). In the past, I've gained quite a bit of weight. Rather than wrestle with denial, or shop for clothes too small as a method of motivation, I buy clothes that fit...like normal people. Ultimately, what I have realized about my weight is this
____(insert something deep here)____ .  For me, its nothing deep, unless it's deep fried. I am taking small steps to lose small ounces of fat, but refuse to kill my confidence just because I wear a girdle....to bed.

I remember giving an old acquaintance a compliment on her weight loss. She had been struggling with her weight for awhile, and eventually loss weight due to stress. She was in the middle of a messy divorce (Hopefully, I never lose weight because of that). She didn't look prettier, she didn't look wealthier...as a matter of fact she looked as though life had gladly given a urine sample on her. Her clothes were worn out, her shoes resembled a Floyd Mayweather opponent, and her hair and skin were a bit rugged. There was nothing noticeable about her, OTHER than her weight, which is why I jumped to compliment her. Compliments and gestures and oftentimes free of charge, and I usually keep a pocket full..so..why not? I simply stated "Wow, you look good! You've lost so much weight!". Never considering the fact that she wouldn't be humble, I was completely thrown aback when she responded "Yea, and you found it all", as if implying that every calorie she burned, I salvaged them and ignorantly meshed them to my thighs, to give them that 'knot' appeal.  She had only been this size for 10 minutes, yet she received my sincere compliment as though she had been a dietician for 8 years, 4 months and 2 days!  I was so perplexed at how she spoke to me!  As if I had gone door to door like a trick-or-treating child, looking for fat to put in my pumpkin.  Before I could respond and verbally assault her, as I yearned to do. I simply reflected on her Fila sneakers that really weren't sneakers anymore..more like outspoken feet holders... the way they flapped open when she walked. I reflected on her blouse, that wasn't really a halter top, but because she had such a huge ventilating hole in the back..one could easily mistake the two. Before you guys get mushy on me, this is not a soft post where I learn to bite my tongue, because I've been bullied by the less fortunate. In my head, I agreed with her. I was fat- fatter than her sneaker tab...obviously fatter than her retail budget... and CLEARLY fatter than her humility. I simply replied "Yes, I have put on some weight". I returned to my 4 door sedan, and bid her farewell, while she stood waiting on the Greyhound Bus, ticket in tow. I took an immediate right, and pulled right up to the nearest drive-thru, and ordered the usual- A #3 Combo, with cheese, Biggie sized..with a diet coke.

You have to learn what dignifies a response, more less, an emotion. Not all comments, words or actions deserve a parallel jab.  I could've easily been confrontational.. or even offended, but what point would it serve? Sometimes, the best response is to live your life out loud, without ever saying a word. I do not possess riches, nor foreign assets, but my character is rich and humble. And I will never starve myself trying to be accepted by a vagabond, nor a CEO; besides, it's too close to Thanksgiving for THAT type of foolishness.

Ejspeaks

FAT GIRLS BE LIKE.......

 

 

NUDITY

LET'S GET NAKED!!!

 

 

 

I think many of us try to overshadow the past with our present. There are quite a few things that I would personally like to forget ever happened....like that time I worked in the Freezer Department at---well, never mind. And there was this one time I created AND colored a NIKE sign on what was clearly a generic canvas style shoe. You couldn't tell it wasn't the real thing, unless you stood really close. I don't know what made me think I could fool my high school peers with a penciled NIKE sign..no fabric, no texture--JUST INK. Of course it took them no time at all to realize that my shoes were fraudulent; they immediately renamed my sneakers, MIKIE's. Can you imagine how embarrassed I was to sit at school for the remainder of the day while kids so boldly asked "Vette, where'd you get those MIKIE's?" all while discombobulating with laughter? Uncomfortable to live it, but funny to reflect upon it. My point is this: None of us have been so fortunate to have never made a mistake... made a horrible decision, or even made a fool of ourselves. That is the equality of life; none of us are exempt from those moments.  I have been in horrible relationships, as well as  played my part in ruining relationships. I have dealt with low self-esteem and depression. Here's the good part: because I am free from my past and am not a prisoner to secrets, I can comfortably open a window to my old hurt and even stupidity, when the time comes to help someone else. I can tell a young lady not to deal with a married man, because I have, and can easily tell you how it will probably end. I can tell a young lady, to train her eyes to see beauty when she sees her reflection in the mirror, because I too, had to train myself. I can tell that same young lady, that there is life, AFTER rape, because I am living it. Once you are free from a thing, you will hear the sound of freedom in the words you speak, even in the tone you use. I can speak of my flaws, ONLY because I've accepted them. I used to cry because I thought my feet looked like a science experiment gone wrong. Now, don't get me wrong, my feet still look like they belong on Gargamel, but I refuse to wear boots to a picnic, or socks with opened-toe shoes out of fear of what others may think. MY TOES NEED TO BREATHE TOO!  I refuse to be hemmed up in fear, trying to live up to the expectation of others. I refuse to fabricate my life and my journey, in efforts to appear perfect. I am naked and flawed. I am unashamed of anything that I have experienced. And I refuse to obstruct my bowels, because so many others have freedom tied up in my belly, yet I say nothing. I dare not play a part in the death of so many, because I am more concerned with looking perfect, than living real. I will gladly show you what imperfect is, what broken looks like after pieces have been glued back together, because I'm okay with me.

 

Sincerely, Naked

 

"Hi, can you tell me where I can find Destiny?"

I sometimes wonder if I've lost track of the trail leading to destiny, or if destiny is somewhere on a drug addicted binge, roaming amuck in search of it's next hit while I guess it's location. Why can't I find destiny? The consistent confusion drapes me and suffocates my hopes of becoming something, somebody. But for whatever reason, my foolish faith and my hunger to succeed, won't let me stop searching. Though I lost my GPS several moons ago, and have received erroneous direction from those already settled into their seemingly small contentment, I still keep going. I honestly can't see the benefit in stagnancy. If I stop now, I will always wonder what the outcome would have been. What's the excitement in wondering? I challenge you to keep going, even when the pavement becomes nothing more than gravel and rocks. I challenge you to keep walking, even when your feet are treading the unknown and the ground has proven uneven. Keep walking, surely destiny is searching for you as well. And once you two meet, my oh my, what a collision.
Travel the road
And travail the journey.
And though confusion has caused you to withdraw and isolate yourself, cut your ringer back on...I would hate for you to miss the call of Destiny.

 

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